Been checking out the codependant lists to see if I fit the criteria. I think my worst fault in them is not having my own life outside of the family. I have been using Joe's drinking as an excuse to not work or do things outside the home. I do not feel very comfortable leaving him with the kids for extended periods of time. He seems so stressed already that I don't want to add to it but I am not sure we can go on much longer like this. We are in a mess and I am not seeing a clear way out. I definately have self esteem issues when it comes to work. I do not feel I have any skills and am not sure what I could do if something were to happen and I had to support myself. I feel unsafe when Joe drinks and I don't think he understands that. I try to keep people away from him when he is drinking and can see a future where the kids will do the same. He can be embarassing. He would say that I am not on his side for saying that but it is hard to stand up for someone who is drunk. I'll have to come back to this post as I go through the list somemore.
8/13/2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Oh the tangled web we weave
Looking back on the decisions I have made, I see how one strand of the web lead to another to another and so on but in such away that I created a tangled web, not a pefect orb web that has some symmetry. I guess both are approaches to life. Both catch the prey. One is a lot harder to be happier in though, yet I am still happy because happiness is a choice. Still I am left with this tangle of things to unravel if I want to be free.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Pros and Cons, Things to deal with
Brinday and I talked about doing a Pro's and Con's list to help me organize things in my life now I am not sure how to formulate it. Maybe I should do a "Things I have to deal with" List instead to start.
1. Keep on top of the bills from the cat bite. Dealing with Financial Aid etc.
2. Make moves towards getting a job.
3. Figure out what I can do with the kids if I have to go back to work.
4. Get them up to speed on what they do in school.
Will just start there for now.
1. Keep on top of the bills from the cat bite. Dealing with Financial Aid etc.
2. Make moves towards getting a job.
3. Figure out what I can do with the kids if I have to go back to work.
4. Get them up to speed on what they do in school.
Will just start there for now.
Starting Alonon
I am starting the Alonon program with a friends help and will be writing a Thank-you Daily Dozen list to help me center myself. Twelve things I am grateful for. I am hoping this puts things into perspective each day. For too long now I have been waiting for something to happen in this reguard and I need to go through this process to see if I am missing something I could be doing to make things better. I can't feel like I have no control over my life any longer.
1. Grateful there are people in my life who are willing to help me through this tough time. I can not do it alone.
2. Grateful for my children who are so sweet and innocent.
3. Grateful that I have a husband who persevers in the face of financial crisis.
4. Grateful for my health, though I am wondering what that lump is on my arm.
5. Grateful for the beauty of the world. The rainbows, the trees of Mt. Charleston, Lake Mead.
6. Grateful for friends who listen and care.
7. Grateful for all the bounty I experience in many areas of my life.
8. Grateful for the hardships that make me grow.
9. Grateful for the sun and rain.
10. Grateful for those who post spiritual quotes on facebook.
11. Grateful for beautiful smiles.
12. Grateful there are many others I know who are aware.
I will try and keep these in mind through out the whole day. It's a beautiful life dispite the hardships.
1. Grateful that though Joe drinks, he does not physically abuse me.
2. Grateful for beautiful rainbows which I saw the other day.
3. Grateful for strong people who are dealing with situations in their lives that press me to deal with mine.
4. Grateful I am today, still sane.
5. Grateful that my kids have no health issues.
6. Grateful that we eat everyday.
7. Grateful that the lump on my arm has not gotten bigger.
8. Grateful for the home we live in.
9. Grateful that I can shut my mouth when Joe tells me to and not make a bad situation worse.
10. Grateful for the family that we have.
11. Grateful for the love of my husband.
12. Grateful that I know there is something more than this world.
8/14/12
1. Grateful for nature and that we have access to it.
2. Grateful for friends that my kids have and fun times hanging out with them.
3. Grateful we have some neighbours the kids can play with.
4. Grateful I have a husband that wants us to be happy.
5. Grateful that I know I can't do this alone.
6. Grateful that S. Vijay and Brinday have their place so close.
7. Grateful for the strength God has given me so far.
8. Grateful for all the support in my journey to realization.
9. Grateful for the computer that allows me to write this.
10. Grateful that I did not lose my finger.
11. Grateful for the medical technology that helped fix it.
12. Grateful for love.
1. Grateful there are people in my life who are willing to help me through this tough time. I can not do it alone.
2. Grateful for my children who are so sweet and innocent.
3. Grateful that I have a husband who persevers in the face of financial crisis.
4. Grateful for my health, though I am wondering what that lump is on my arm.
5. Grateful for the beauty of the world. The rainbows, the trees of Mt. Charleston, Lake Mead.
6. Grateful for friends who listen and care.
7. Grateful for all the bounty I experience in many areas of my life.
8. Grateful for the hardships that make me grow.
9. Grateful for the sun and rain.
10. Grateful for those who post spiritual quotes on facebook.
11. Grateful for beautiful smiles.
12. Grateful there are many others I know who are aware.
I will try and keep these in mind through out the whole day. It's a beautiful life dispite the hardships.
1. Grateful that though Joe drinks, he does not physically abuse me.
2. Grateful for beautiful rainbows which I saw the other day.
3. Grateful for strong people who are dealing with situations in their lives that press me to deal with mine.
4. Grateful I am today, still sane.
5. Grateful that my kids have no health issues.
6. Grateful that we eat everyday.
7. Grateful that the lump on my arm has not gotten bigger.
8. Grateful for the home we live in.
9. Grateful that I can shut my mouth when Joe tells me to and not make a bad situation worse.
10. Grateful for the family that we have.
11. Grateful for the love of my husband.
12. Grateful that I know there is something more than this world.
8/14/12
1. Grateful for nature and that we have access to it.
2. Grateful for friends that my kids have and fun times hanging out with them.
3. Grateful we have some neighbours the kids can play with.
4. Grateful I have a husband that wants us to be happy.
5. Grateful that I know I can't do this alone.
6. Grateful that S. Vijay and Brinday have their place so close.
7. Grateful for the strength God has given me so far.
8. Grateful for all the support in my journey to realization.
9. Grateful for the computer that allows me to write this.
10. Grateful that I did not lose my finger.
11. Grateful for the medical technology that helped fix it.
12. Grateful for love.
Another day
I find it hard to get in the habit of writing on this blog. Maybe it is because I feel don't have anything to say at least nothing anyone would want to listen to. But almost everyone has something to say, right? It is almost essential to being human. So maybe I really feel that the things I really want to talk about are so personal I could not possibly talk about them on a blog for all to see. Exposing the dirty corners of my life for all to judge seems more than I could bare. There are very few I feel I can be completely open with. It is interesting how we protect ourselves. How few people we really reveal ourselves to. I am impressed with those of you who write about your lives and are able to put yourself out there in that way. Touching others lives with your vulnerability. I don't think today I have the courage. Maybe another day.
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